My entire life has been lived in anticipation.
If you’ve read my earlier posts you know that I am the youngest of four and the only girl. There were many benefits to being the youngest, the only girl and the only red-head (a trump card I used to advantage many times!) I knew how to get my way and to get my brothers in trouble while I was at it. But the one thing that I absolutely hated about being the youngest was that I was forever being told what to do.
I couldn’t open my eyes without someone telling me where to be, what to do there and how to do it. Although it bothered me to no end to have things dictated to me, as I got older I didn’t mind the constant direction. I don’t mind being told what to do, as long as a certain respect comes along with it. When I was younger the directions came with a sneer because I was the youngest. I didn’t know how to do anything. People who tell me how to do things now do it with a respect that they’d show an equal, not as if they were talking to a child, which makes it a huge difference in how I respond.
Unfortunately, since I got used to being told what to do I am still waiting for someone (my mother, Sparky, God, the local Starbucks barista) to tell me its ok to write. I often find myself sitting in front of my computer feeling like I need to ask permission to do this and that pisses me off.
Instead of creating a world of mischief and intrigue for my characters I start to think, “I should be doing the dishes” or “I should get the kids snacks ready” or “I should irrigate the lawn.” My back stiffens and I look nervously around the room as if someone is going to jump out of the mud room with their finger wagging, “You’re doing something fun while you’re should be doing housework. I’m telling!”
Why? Why do I feel like I need permission to do something fun? I’m adult. I make sure my kids are taken care of before I settle down in front of the computer. Sure, the housework can pile up every now and then, but thankfully I have a partner that knows how to step in and help out in that area. Ok, so most times he waits until putting a dirty dish in the sink its like playing a twisted game of Jenga where you place the dish on top in hopes that the hole thing didn’t come crashing down. The kids love the anticipation.
In short, I’m not used to being able to do things just because I want to.
Don’t worry, I obviously overcome it. I don’t think I could stop writing now that I have started. It changed me, for the better. Permission or not, I’m doing it, so there.
Have you ever felt this way? Is there anything that you want to do that makes you feel guilty for doing it? Do you let your chores fall by the wayside in order to do what you want? Does anyone ever jump out of darkened corners threatening to tell on you?